Sarah Kane, Crave
The other day, I was clicking through g-chat and noticed a very old status that I didn’t remember. (“it’s always there it’s always been there and you cannot deny the life you feel”) Of course, it turned out to be Sarah Kane. I worshipped Sarah Kane in college. I was angry at boys a lot (usually for a good reason) (usually not angry enough), and Sarah Kane was so much better at rage than I was. I remember reading Crave for the first time and openly crying over it on the purple line. I want to say that this resonates differently for me now, but it really doesn’t. Understanding your feelings doesn’t really make dealing with them any easier.
I know almost nothing about dating and relationships, but I do know one thing that is true, and that is that nobody owes you anything. It doesn’t matter how many sacrifices you make. Claims of unjust enrichment don’t apply to relationships. You can give and give and give until you break, that’s your decision, but you cannot force anyone to give anything back to you.
It’s hard for me to swallow that. I’m the oldest child in my family - fairness is really important to me. I’ve dedicated all this time trying to figure out what the law says is fair and how to properly pursue justice, but when it comes to my personal life, I fall apart. I waste hours crying. I end up begging and pleading for someone to do something, to make me feel better, to not feel so cheated and downtrodden, to recognize the sacrifices I’ve made and not let all my hard work be for nothing, and then I just keep crying until someone hangs up the phone or tells me that they just can’t talk to me about this any more. It might be frustrating, but human beings are autonomous creatures. You can’t force anyone to do anything. Your desperate wanting, the depths of your sadness, none of it really matters. No one owes you anything. And even if you’re hurting, there’s something freeing in that.